You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
