life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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