I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
