I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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