Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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