how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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