every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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