It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
