Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
