My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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