gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
