I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
