A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
