I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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