I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
