I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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