just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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