I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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