why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
