I cannot find my penis.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
