i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
