I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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