Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
