I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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