This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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