What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can't motorboat a personality
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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