Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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