Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
