On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
