I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
