Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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