The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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