i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
