You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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