Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
