Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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