I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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