It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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