I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
