if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
