i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
