The maid of honor just puked.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
