my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
