I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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