I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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