8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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