I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
