i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
