Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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