I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
