If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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