i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
