Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize