I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize