My friends, they love my intelligence
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
