she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
