My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He better not be in your backpack
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
