So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
