At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
