It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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