Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
